1. Nice bible
2. I would like to pray with you
3. You know Jesus? Me too!
4. God told me to come talk to you
5. I know a church where we could go and talk
6. How about a hug, sister?
7. Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.
8. Christians don't shake hands, Christians gotta hug
9. Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11
10. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
11. What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
12. I am here for you.
13. The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry", how about dinner?
14. You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.
15. You want to come over and watch the 10 commandments tonight?
16. Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
17. Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
18. Nice bracelet. Who would Jesus date? I, I, mean "What Would Jesus Do"
19. Do you believe in Divine appointment?
20. Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?
21. Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
22. My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus yeah that's his name.
23. You know they say that you have never really dated, until you have dated a Christian.
24. Yeah I predicted David over Goliath.
25. What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace in the dark.
26. We have to hold hands when we pray so the circle won't be broken.
27. God has used you to teach me what true love really is.
28. Christians kiss before parting - it's an old Jewish tradition.
Friday, March 2, 2007
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Life In The Monastery
Brother Baku entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Head Friar said, "Welcome Brother, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother Baku lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Head Friar said to him: "Brother Baku, you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words."
Brother Baku said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Head Friar said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Brother Baku was called by the Head Friar. "You may say another two words Brother Baku."
"Cold food," said Brother Baku, and the Head Friar assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Head Friar summoned Brother Baku to hear his allowed two words.
"I quit," said Brother Baku.
"It is probably best," said the Head Friar. "You've done nothing but complain since you've been here."
Brother Baku lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Head Friar said to him: "Brother Baku, you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words."
Brother Baku said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Head Friar said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Brother Baku was called by the Head Friar. "You may say another two words Brother Baku."
"Cold food," said Brother Baku, and the Head Friar assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Head Friar summoned Brother Baku to hear his allowed two words.
"I quit," said Brother Baku.
"It is probably best," said the Head Friar. "You've done nothing but complain since you've been here."
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Marriage Quotes
1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.
6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
15. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
16. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
17. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.
18. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
19. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
20. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.
21. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
22. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
23. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.
24. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
Lighs on.
25. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.
26. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
27. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
28. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
29. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.
6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.
15. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
16. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
17. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.
18. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
19. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
20. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.
21. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
22. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
23. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.
24. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
Lighs on.
25. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.
26. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
27. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
28. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
29. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my bike?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce mydaughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my bike?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce mydaughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Shit Happens!
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius says "Shit happens."
Buddhism: Shit happening is an illusion.
Islam: Shit happening is the will of Allah.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Christian Science: If shit happens, pray and it will go away.
Atheism: Shit happens for no reason.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, shit happens, shit happens...
Stoicism: Shit happens. I can take it.
Jehovah's Witnesses: Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit and see what happens.
Confucianism: Confucius says "Shit happens."
Buddhism: Shit happening is an illusion.
Islam: Shit happening is the will of Allah.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Christian Science: If shit happens, pray and it will go away.
Atheism: Shit happens for no reason.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, shit happens, shit happens...
Stoicism: Shit happens. I can take it.
Jehovah's Witnesses: Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit and see what happens.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Things You Should Never Say To A Pregnant Woman
Things you should never say to a pregnant woman:
"Honey, come on, you're blocking the big screen TV!"
"No, I don't mind. Helping you get up out of the chair is a bit habit forming."
"Sorry I can't give you a hug, my arms aren't that long."
"What do you mean, the seat belt won't fit?!"
"So the doctor said you're going to get, um, even bigger?"
"Why not wear one of my shirts? Oh, they don't fit either..."
"Bet you $20 I can outrun you across the back yard!"
"Come on, as soon as my team breaks this tied game, we'll leave for the hospital."
"Since your contractions are so far apart, how about cooking us some boiled cabbage and sourkraut before we leave?"
"Maybe someday you'll return the favor and tie MY shoes."
"But why can't you trim your own toe nails?"
..and anything said while she is looking in the mirror just after
taking a bath.
"Honey, come on, you're blocking the big screen TV!"
"No, I don't mind. Helping you get up out of the chair is a bit habit forming."
"Sorry I can't give you a hug, my arms aren't that long."
"What do you mean, the seat belt won't fit?!"
"So the doctor said you're going to get, um, even bigger?"
"Why not wear one of my shirts? Oh, they don't fit either..."
"Bet you $20 I can outrun you across the back yard!"
"Come on, as soon as my team breaks this tied game, we'll leave for the hospital."
"Since your contractions are so far apart, how about cooking us some boiled cabbage and sourkraut before we leave?"
"Maybe someday you'll return the favor and tie MY shoes."
"But why can't you trim your own toe nails?"
..and anything said while she is looking in the mirror just after
taking a bath.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Police Locker Room
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line and we think he'll win.
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line and we think he'll win.
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