Marriage Quotes

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

15. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

16. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.

17. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.

18. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

19. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

20. I married Miss right; I just didn't know her first name was Always.

21. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

22. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

23. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, THEN POW! IT WAS ALL GONE. WHAT HAPPENED, asked his friend. He says MY WIFE FOUND OUT.

24. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
Lighs on.

25. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

26. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

27. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

28. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

29. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my bike?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce mydaughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Shit Happens!

Taoism: Shit happens.

Confucianism: Confucius says "Shit happens."

Buddhism: Shit happening is an illusion.

Islam: Shit happening is the will of Allah.

Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism: This shit has happened before.

Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?

Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Christian Science: If shit happens, pray and it will go away.

Atheism: Shit happens for no reason.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Hare Krishna: Shit happens, shit happens, shit happens...

Stoicism: Shit happens. I can take it.

Jehovah's Witnesses: Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit and see what happens.

Things You Should Never Say To A Pregnant Woman

Things you should never say to a pregnant woman:

"Honey, come on, you're blocking the big screen TV!"

"No, I don't mind. Helping you get up out of the chair is a bit habit forming."

"Sorry I can't give you a hug, my arms aren't that long."

"What do you mean, the seat belt won't fit?!"

"So the doctor said you're going to get, um, even bigger?"

"Why not wear one of my shirts? Oh, they don't fit either..."

"Bet you $20 I can outrun you across the back yard!"

"Come on, as soon as my team breaks this tied game, we'll leave for the hospital."

"Since your contractions are so far apart, how about cooking us some boiled cabbage and sourkraut before we leave?"

"Maybe someday you'll return the favor and tie MY shoes."

"But why can't you trim your own toe nails?"

..and anything said while she is looking in the mirror just after
taking a bath.

Police Locker Room

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line and we think he'll win.

Only In America

1. Only in America.... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America.... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America.... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America.... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America.... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America.... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America.... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America.... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America.... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Dead Duck At The Vet

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure"? she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$250!" she cried. $150 just to tell me my duck is dead"?

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $25, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $250.

Blonde Parking

Norman and his blonde wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park............ "then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do.. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Letters To Landlords

Excerpts from Letters Sent to Landlords

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it
is cleared.

2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man
next door.

3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the
wall.

5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would
like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about
it.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny
color and not fit to drink.

10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got
her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

What Do Women Really Want?

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch - only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. What is the moral of this story?

The moral is:

If your woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!

Executive In Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful
executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died.
Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the
Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled
in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely
enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far
and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd
like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do
is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then
you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity
in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay
in Heaven," said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and
it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all of her friends and they were all dressed in fine evening
wear and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both
cheeks and they talked about old times.

They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster
dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and
she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was
time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as
she got on the elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly
Gates and found St. Peter. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven,"
he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing
the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it
her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and
all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back
to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself
standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She
saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage
and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm
around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster
and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland
of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting
you. Today you're staff."

Advice To Criminals

If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot...*Do* pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.

*Don't* invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain view.

When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene.

"But I know the people who live here" is *Not* a valid justification for burglarizing a neighbors house when they are out of town.

When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test *Don't* say, "Well, I can't do that sober!" on camera, and then plead not guilty.

If you are going to steal a car *Do* pick one that will blend in traffic better than a pearl white six door limo.

*Don't* answer a question with the phrase, "Who me?" when you and the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.

*Don't* repeat the question that the officer just asked. It's considered a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are getting ready to lie through your teeth.

*Don't* say, "I ain't got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?" before the officer even introduces himself/herself on the traffic
stop.

*Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about your name.

*Do* ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when lying about your birthday.

When you attempt to drop your dope on the ground when approached by an officer, *Don't* bounce said dope off the toe of the officer's boot.

*Do* come up with something better to say than, "These aren't my pants" when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pocket.

If you are going to jump into a stranger's fenced back yard *Do* make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the driveway.

*Don't* ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately owned vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene.

If you leave your pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, the cops *Will* probably be able to figure out who dunnit.